“They say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow.” I think it is extremely ironic yet fitting that our relationship blossomed in spring, reached its peak in summer, withered away in the fall and is gone this winter. What a storybook ending. It's been a month, and the truth is that I don't love you anymore. I don't care for you anymore. You tried talking to me, and I felt no remorse in ignoring your words. I need more time before I can even look at you without thinking of the pain you caused me. I'm curious how you are but mostly because of who you used to be. I don't recognize who you've become. And right now, I have no desire to. I hope that one day we can move on but for now, I'm happy keeping my distance. Yep, I'm happy. Go figure.
********************************************************************
This is the last time I write about you though I don’t think you even deserve that much. I’m done.
Completely. And it took me far too long to get to this point.
I don’t mean to sound mean; I don’t hate you. I just don’t feel anything anymore. I can’t see a friendship. I don’t think we ever had one. I don’t mind leaving you behind at the end of this year;
you’re not something I want to hold on to anymore. This is a good thing, believe it or not.
Maybe someday you’ll miss me or realize I wasn’t just another person you met along the way. Maybe someday you’ll have an epiphany, grab that phone you’re too dependent on, hoping to get a reply.
But you’ll hear nothing.
Maybe you’ll rush up to see me, hoping to meet me somewhere.
But you’ll find no one. I’ll be gone.
And then it’ll strike you, at that precise moment, that for once you can’t get what you want. You were too late.And I won’t care then; I don’t care now. I’m sorry, I know it sounds awful, but it’s the truth.
This is how the story ends, and it’s a happy ending for one of us.
********************************************************************
To my future boy:I haven’t met you yet. Or at least I don’t think I have. Maybe I did one day. Maybe you were just a passing thought to me. Or maybe the day I'm supposed to meet you is coming up soon. But maybe not. It could be years before I meet you.
All I know is that when I realize I've met you, I’ll be the happiest girl. I have no idea what you’ll be like. I just know you’ll be perfect for me. I can’t wait to spend my life with you, mystery boy. I wonder if you ever dream about the day you’ll meet me.
I’ll be waiting and watching for you <3.
*******************************************************************
I am so ridiculously blessed! I'm so amazed at how God always puts the most amazing people in my life, and I'm so grateful. Thank you Lord for giving me him. Even if it doesn't last for months or years to come, I know he had a purpose in my life. Thank you for knowing me and loving me enough to know that I need someone like him right now — someone to make me LAUGH. I don't always realize how important laughter is.
He made me remember how much I love it! Thank you for giving me someone who makes me feel beautiful EVERY DAY. Thank you for someone who respects me and thinks I am SMART. Thank you for someone who will talk me through my hysterics over a traffic jam, and for someone who will stick by me ... ME, a chick who sometimes can't even find her way with a GPS. And thank you for giving me someone who is honest — someone who's a little more “sugar free” than I am. He's helped me listen to things I don't want to hear, which I really needed to do. Lord, I love you, and I love the crazy games you play with my life :)
To one much is given, much is expected <--- That must mean I have A LOT of love to give.
*******************************************************************
All of a sudden I feel alive. I feel the flutter of a girl with her first crush, and I know I'm more than eager to find that feeling. Maybe it is forced; I don't know. But I do think you feel the same way.
Let's see where this goes. No commitment but fun, which you're OK with. It's so uncharacteristic of me, but who doesn't want to feel wanted?
I'm no exception.
*******************************************************************
*******************************************************************
You are by far the most selfish boy I have ever met. You know EXACTLY how I feel about you, even after a whole year. You string me along like I’m your little puppy. You want to be with me one day, and the next you're yelling at me about how annoying I am. And all I do is sit there and take it from you. You’re back to wanting me again, and my hopes are back up on cloud nine.
The worst part about all of this is that you really aren’t selfish. Not one bit. You’re one of the most selfless and caring boys ever. But you play with my heart and my mind like it’s nothing — like I mean nothing to you. My friends tell me not to fall for you again.
I tell them I won’t because I know I never stopped falling for you. I love you.
*******************************************************************
Instead of being so fed up with how your life is, how about you go ahead and fix what bothers you so much?
It's entirely up to you!
*******************************************************************
She's convinced we're meant to be. I see you as too much of an older brother for that, but this is exactly how he and I got together. I helped him get over another girl and then there I was — down to earth and available. Now, that didn't work out well last time.
But I feel hopeful that maybe, somewhere down the road, we can be something.
******************************************************************
I don't know if you know this but:
I’M NOT OVER YOU ... and I don't know why.
Especially since you cheated on me emotionally, and yeah, FYI, it doesn't need to be physical when you cheat on someone. Flirting with another girl and telling her you'd rather be with her is definitely cheating. I mean, I get it if I hurt you. I was a bitch to you; I flirted around with other boys intentionally just to see if you'd care. It obviously worked ‘cause it made you hate me. On top of that, this summer you fell in love with my best friend. And I bet you're not over her yet because whenever you see her, you hug her and just give me stares. You reply to her texts and ignore mine.
You were my first love, and that scar you left never really healed. I just wish you'd want me or miss me ... sometimes.
******************************************************************
When did “I love you” became a chore? When did we become you and me? Why am I afraid to tell you things now? I used to be afraid not to.
Everything has fallen to pieces ... and I don't think I care enough to pick them all up again. I guess we had fun while it lasted ... thanks.
******************************************************************
To the guy I want but can never have:You and I may never be together, but please know that everything I ever say to you shows how much I care about you and like you.
I may say things that are mean, but it’s only because I want to reassure you after that I couldn’t live without you because I really couldn’t. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life; it is truly an honor, and I love you.
******************************************************************
Stop blaming him/her for your failed relationship. You decided to go out with him/her for a reason, didn't you? No matter how messy the breakup, don't simply dismiss the wreck as a product of their being a heartless, useless person. That's not fair.
Who says you're so high and mighty? I'll let you know something. My ex broke up with me by simply ignoring me for a reason I'm not sure of for about a month. He's a college kid so I was worried. But I'm not bitter; we talk now even though I want to know why he dropped off the face of the planet. I truly loved him for him, and I have faith he wouldn’t do something to simply make me miserable.
So stop blaming your insecurities about your relationship being useless on your counterpart. Wake up and realize you've got a few things to learn too.
******************************************************************
Please. Please let me know if this will all be worth it. I can only hope. It is entirely out of my hands now.
******************************************************************
The emptiness hurts. I lied when I said I was happy. I know I can be, and my friends and family are a big part of that. But you took a part of my heart when you left.
I don't think I want it back, but I sure do miss being whole. It's taking a while to heal itself. I'm taking a while to heal myself. Sometimes I feel lost, and sometimes I feel like I'm finding my way.
This is all going to take time, and you need to give me that.
******************************************************************
Who are you? You change every minute it seems like. One minute you're screaming and hitting me, the next you're telling me you love me. But you never apologize for what you do. You confuse the crap out of me, and I never know what to do.
Memories are stuck in my head of what you've done to me over the years; I can always still hear your voice screaming “I'm going to kill you,” and it never fails to bring back the familiar tears. At Christmas Eve mass the other day, I struggled to hold in my tears; I was watching the other families around us, especially the ones with little children. I wondered if those parents would be like you two. Memories ran throughout my head: I remember when I was just little — probably about 5 — I didn't pick up the basement like you told me too; you held me upside down and hit me. I remember many times running into a room, locking the door and screaming “don't kill me.” Do you remember the time you pushed my sister, your other daughter, into a wall, and she went into it? I remember lying about what really happened. I remember lying about bruises and scratches.
I remember EVERYTHING. I remember being pulled off my bunk bed when I was little and hitting the ground. I remember when you tried to choke me. I remember everything. See those scars on my arm? Yo
u ask me what happened; I lied and made up some excuse. But really, they are from the pain you've caused, the pain I could no longer handle. But then I also remember some good times. And that's what confuses the shit out of me. I wake up in the morning unsure of what to expect today: should I hug you or shield myself from you?
I hate you, but I also love you. I can never figure it out. I forgive you too easily. And one question is still always in my mind,
"How could a parent ever hurt their child like that?" Last month, I remember you got mad and started pushing me, trying to hit me, but I'm 14 now, I'm taller than you, Mom; I fought back this time; I needed to get you off me. But something kept holding me back; I couldn't hurt you. Why can't I hurt someone in self-defense who has been hurting me my whole life? B
ut I learned one thing from you, Mommy and Daddy: I know how bad it hurts to be hurt like that. I will NEVER do that to my kids. No one will ever know the pain you've put me through and will continue to for the next four years. Maybe one day, you'll realize what you've done and will be sorry about it — ha, yeah right.
******************************************************************
I hate it when people lie to act like they outdo you — especially someone close to you so you know the person's lying. Does it make you feel better that you say you get better grades than I do? Or that you claim to work harder than I do? Or the fact that in general, what you do is ultimately better than what everyone else does just by mere principle that it's you doing it? Is it really that important to you? Are these your ultimate goals in life?
If they are, you're not going very far. I'll tell you that much.
******************************************************************
‘K, can you PLEASE cut the crap with the “I’m ugly” — you don’t really think you're ugly. You just say that to hear "You're not ugly; you're gorgeous.” OK, yeah, it’s OK to have low self esteem. It’s OK; I don’t think I’m pretty either, but at least I don’t go repeating the same line in everything I say. Everything that I hear out of your mouth comments on how ugly you are.
Like honestly, GET OVER YOURSELF. There’re people telling you that you're not now and giving you the attention that you want.
But sooner or later, people are gonna see what I see and eventually agree with you. And there will be no one left to feed to your attention-whore needs.
******************************************************************
Did you just f—king call me unfaithful? Are you serious? Amy and I were never going out; we were never official; it wasn't ever serious. Yes, I did tell her that I liked her f—king two months ago; I thought I did.
But things changed. I told her I didn't like her a few days ago, and she really seemed accepting and she said she still wanted to be friends. And yes, I did like Megan a few days afterward. But no, I didn't “break up” (we were never going out) with Amy just for Megan. I somewhat always knew that nothing was gonna happen with Amy —
I just had to make sure; that's why it took so long for me to tell Amy.
What nerve you have, thinking that I'm just out there “playing girls” for fun ... I'm really not. Did I ever try to have Amy hate me and Megan? No, never. Did I try to like Megan instead of Amy cause she was “better”? No, I wouldn't do that. In fact, if I had the choice to like Amy wholeheartedly, I would. It's a shame it wasn't so, and
so much drama erupted out of nothing.
Today, I'm going out with Megan. Yes, it's been a tick over a week since we've been going out.
It seems like forgiveness is something to be earned, but something I can never grasp from Amy. I still want to be friends with her, but she hates us now.
******************************************************************
All my life, all I've ever wanted is to grow up, to be responsible, to be an adult. Well, I'm slowly getting there, and there's only one thing I want now.
I want to go back. I want to run screaming back down the tunnel of my life, right back to that flash of light at the end, the one where I had just opened my eyes for the first time. I want to start over.
Everyone I've loved: maybe I will love you again; maybe I'll make the right choice and avoid you completely.
Everyone I've hated: maybe I'll keep on hating you; maybe I'll give you a chance to be more than an object of contempt.
Everyone in between: who knows how the cards will fall?
The choices I've made, the things I've done — good or bad — the things I wish I had done, the things I never thought of doing...
A chance to take it all back, to be dealt a new hand.
That's all I want.My New Year’s resolution this year is to be someone new.
I don't think I can even do it for a minute. But I can sure as hell try. Maybe it's not the past I need; maybe it's just a change in direction, a rebirth, a revelation. No matter what it is I need, I know one thing ...
to everyone looking to grow up, to be someone, to live their lives: stop and go back.
******************************************************************
This is it. The decade is over. You are pathetic. You have not done much of what you should have. You could have been a better person. You wasted your time doing obsolete things: you wasted your time on Facebook, and you wasted your time growing up into nothing more than a mere sixteen year old attempting to find her place in the world. You are not an individual; you are a floater in the crowd.
You may be well-rounded, but you’re not well-rounded enough. You worked hard to attain a GPA that pales in comparison to the numerous Humanities students who have no lives, but compared to those who have “lives,” your life pales in comparison just as badly. You spent your social life ruining a pure heart and a pure friendship. You are just another face in the crowd. You attempt to be a better person but never follow through with it. You claim you’re an environmentalist, but in the end, you’re just as bad as the rest.
Who are you? Who do you think you are? Who told you that you had the right to breathe, exist, live?
I’m disappointed to be you.With this new year, I promise to be a better person. I’m going to make a difference. I’m going to love everyone and hate no one.
I won’t let the world down. I’m going to be better than you ever could be.
******************************************************************
HAPPY 2010!
The Words I Never Said, Volume 1, has been released. To request a copy, e-mail wordsineversaid@gmail.com.
To rant, send your message (visual or written) along to wordsineversaid@gmail.com.
Thank you.
******************************************************************
